HALO 2 Satire!
by Gta5ccjs
Summary: this has been done a million times, but i don't care!
1. HALO 2 Parody: Heretic

**Disclaimer: I know this has been done before! I don't care! Could continue this. Not sure though.**

**HALO 2Parody: Heretic**

"There was only one you say?" asked the Prophet of Truth

"I'm not sure. Give me a second" the Arbiter then starts counting with his fingers. "Yes there was only one. They called it the_ Unanimous Pillar"._

"Why was it not burned to atomic level like the other sheds called ships?" screeched Mercy

"We where busy taking their crack and drink. I only followed them because they had more high quality crack"

"When you found HALO, were you blinded by it?" questioned Truth

"Blinded?"

"Molested?"

"?"

"Gay?"

"No!"

"Raped?"

"How about Circumcised?" asked Mercy, reading from a Thesaurus/Dictionary

"**NO!"** yelled the Arbiter, looking embarrassed.

"**Damn**!" said Truth

"Why were the Humans able evade your ships, land on the Ring, and desecrate it with their filthy footsteps!" burst out Mercy

"Well, I was still pissed at the time, and I was playing Table Tennis with my second in command" countered the Arbiter. "Noble Hierarchs, surely you understand that once the Parasite started giving weed out and setting up brothels-

Crowd uproars

"There will be order in this council, or there will be no free beer afterwards!" bellowed Mercy. The crowd was silenced immediately.

"You were right to accept the Floods hospitality, but this Demon? This Master Chief?"

"By the time I learned the Demons intent, I was on my break!"

Crowd uproars again. A Jerckalope throws a brick at the Arbiter and misses. The Arbiter threw the brick back at the Jerkalope and knocks it out.

"That's it! No free beer!" yelled Mercy

"Prophet of Truth, make an example of this sex toy! The Counsel demands pleasure! And Tartarsauce needs entertainment!" whispered Regret

"You are one of our favourite sex toys. Long have you lead our fleets with honour and distinction. Plus you have a cute ass. But your inability to protect the giant Hula-Hoop was a colass- colussil- costel…ah shit, you fucked up" explained Truth

"Aye, it was Hosepipe!" said a random Prophet

Everyone looks at him.

"Err… it was Heresy!"

The crowd uproars

"I will continue to steal the Humans crack!" said the Arbiter

"No, you will not!"

"Yes I will

"No, you will not!"

"Yes I will

"No, you will not!"

"Yes I will

"**No, you will not!" **yelled Truth, signalling Tartarsauce, who was wearing leather.

"The Great 'wipe the entire Galaxy clear of all Sentient because we are very stupid' is about to begin. But you will not get that beach house you wanted… and you will get left behind" said Truth, as the Arbiter was lead away by Tartarsauce. The Arbiter was determined to go on the Great Journey, even if he had to pretend to be the flight steward.

The scene changes to a view of Earth and the Cairo Station.

"The Gel in your suit was leaking out, plus you scratched the paint" explained a disembodied person.

We appear in an armoury. Sergeant Guns is holding MC's optics.

"Optics, totally fried, and let's not even talk about the power supply. Do you now how much this stuff costs?" asked Guns

MC dramatically puts his helmet on

"Tell that to the Covenant... cos' I'm not listening, and I'm broke" explained MC

"I guess it was all obsolete anyway. Your new suits a mark V, just came up from someplace on Earth. We need to test your targeting cursor. Please look at the top light."

MC looks at the ground and folds his arms.

"Come on Chief!" complained Guns

MC continues to stare at the floor.

"There's some crack on the top light" pointed out Guns

"Where!" said MC. MC looks at light

"There we are, now look at the bottom light"

MC closes his eyes and looks at the ceiling

"There's some crack on the bottom light"

"I not falling for that again! I'm not gullible! Or stupid!" said MC

"Alright, there's a beanie baby on the bottom light!"

"Where?" exclaimed MC

"There, that's your cursor set. Releasing the Incabuter… the incibuter…ah shit, the kinky arm thingys that stop you moving and makes you vulnerable to certain people…" said Guns, his voice trailing away darkly, with a dark grin on his face. MC looks at him in shock and disgust.

"Eerrrr, yeah, err please feel free to have a walk around and meet me at the Shield Station thingy" said Guns

MC starts doing a complicated ballet to the Shield Station. Guns claps when the MC finished.

"Please stand in the big red square" asked Guns. MC stands in the squares and Guns flicks a switch and the arm thingy's go round in circles.

"Oooh, reeed!" admired the MC

"Lets test your shield recharge" the arm thingy's destroys MCs shields.

"Mmmm, tingly!" said the MC. Just then Johnson comes in.

"Are you done with my bitch Guns? I don't see any training wheels" he comments

"Oh yeah" said Guns, pressing a button. A door drew back exposing a pink fluffy training wheel.

"**Wheeeelie's!**" squealed the MC and started to run around in it.

"He's all yours, Johnson, so shut your anal hole"

"Oh sorry" apologised Johnson, closing his ass.

The MC and Johnson entered the elevator and went up the tram thing. They both entered the tram and it moved off.

"When I first shipped out for basic, the MAC Guns were all just Politics…" the MC fell straight into a coma. Johnson ignored him "hell, I'll just carry on talking to no one!"

A few minutes later…

The MC and Johnson step out. Cameras and people looked at the Chief and Johnson.

"Ooooh, shiny!" said one Marine and zoned out

"I thought I told you that there wouldn't be any cameras"

"And I thought you were going to wear something nice"

"Oh sorry" said MC, putting on a bow tie

The pair entered the command area. They were greeted by Hood.

"We have to make this brief, Cortana" said Hood

"Another bug near IO. It reads 'To have a good time, call this number'" said Cortana

"Alright, keep me informed" said Hood

Cortana looked at Chief and Johnson

"You look nice" she commented

"Your in there!" said hood turning back round

We flash to High Charity.

**FLASH**!

The Arbiter is escorted to Tartarsauce by two Brutes. Some Grunts nearby chant "Dirty sex! Dirty sex! Dirty Sex!"

The Arbiter was subdued by the ring things and Tartarsauce ordered his armour to be taken off.

"Oooh kinky!" said Tartarsauce

**FLASH!**

We see Hood give Johnson a medal

"Sergeant Major, I give you a random medal for killing lots of Covenant. Plus you have a cute ass!"

"What?"

**FLASH!**

"There can be no greater heresy. Let him be an example to all Covenant that smokes to much weed!"

**FLASH!**

"To Miranda Keyes, I give you this medal that was meant for your father, but he's dead now. Damn, he was great at dressing up games!" reminisced Hood, a slight pervertness in his eyes.

"What was that last part?" asked Keyes

"Nothing!"

**FLASH!**

Tartarsauce burns Arbiter with pointy stick thingy and the Arbiter screams like a girl.

**FLASH!**

"Slipspace ruptures, fifteen Covenant Capital ships just outside the killzone. We're screwed" stated Cortana

"Ah shit, I mean, Keyes get to your ship, MC defend this station!" ordered Hood

"Yes sir," said MC turning to Johnson "I need a weapon"

"Ha ha sucker!" replied Johnson, pointing at MC.

**Disclaimer: that was funny! Even for me. Next chapter will have MC fighting on the Cairo Station! Stay tuned!**


	2. Cairo Station Parody

**Disclaimer: hope you like the last chap!**

**Yomiko the Hellbunny Slayer: Parodies, Mmmmm! (Starts dribbling). Author sees Beanie baby. 'BEANIE BABY!' **

**Cairo Station Parody**

MC, thanks to the way the game was programmed, appeared outside the Command area.

"Dammit! Hood had some high quality crack in there!" complained MC

"Come on Chief! We've got to defend the station from the Covvies!" said a passing Marine

"Fuck you!" yelled MC, walking down the stairs and grabbing two SMGs and a BR55 "I take orders from no one!"

"MC, get to that weird computery place where I set my 50 cal. up, double time!" ordered Johnson

"Yes Master" replied MC

The group of Marines and MC entered the computery place and Johnson set up the 50 cal. the Marines and MC take cover. The door started to glow orange.

"Feel the fire on that door!" said Johnson. A Marine was warming marshmallows using the heat from the door.

"Point out the bloody obvious!" countered MC

"Hey, who has the 50 cal. here?" pointed out Johnson, pointing the gun at MC

"Point taken" replied MC. Just then, the doors exploded and Gangsta Grunts and Elvish Elites stepped through.

"We is Gansgstas!" yelled the Grunts

"We can live forever! We can live forever! We can live forever!" sang the Elites. MC shot a Blue Elite dead. The Elites looked at the corpse.

"Shit" said one.

"You killed me bitch!" protested a Grunt.

The Chief and the Marines massacred the Elites and Grunts in a bloody bloodbath. Nasty.

The MC and the Marines moved into another Hanger. Two Gangsta Grunts manned two Plasma Turrets.

"You is going down, Greenie!" yelled a Grunt. The MC shot the Grunt and the Grunts arm fell off.

"You shot me fucking arm off!" complained the Grunt.

MC shot its other off.

"You bastard! You shot me other arm off!"

MC shot both the Grunts legs off. The MC waited for a few minutes. Silence. The MC sighed in relief. The MC looked around, and saw mangled corpses of Covenant surrounding him.

"Dammit! I missed all the fun!" complained the MC

"There there, don't cry!" mocked a Marine. The MC threw the Marine a **Helluva **far.

The Marines and Chief looked out at the Malta and Athens. They both exploded. 'Ooooh, pretty!' said one Marine.

"Chief, Cortana, find that bomb with the weird spikes and blow up a cruiser with it" ordered Hood.

"How do you know that the bomb has spikes all over it?" asked Cortana.

"No reason" replied Hood.

"And how do you know we would blow up a cruiser with it?"

"JUST GO A BLOW THE FUCKING CRIUSER UP WITH THE SPIKY BOMB SO THAT I CAN SAY 'OOOOH PRETTY!" yelled Hood

"Eeeerrr… ookaaay" said Cortana.

Throughout the enter conversation, MC was dribbling and unconscious. Cortana woke him up.

"Chief, we have to go and blow up a cruiser with a spiky bomb thing so Hood can say 'ooooh pretty!' said Cortana

"Okay" replied MC

"By the way, you were dribbling" stated Cortana

"My secret shame!" said MC in a small voice.

MC walked down some stairs, through some doors, and into a squad of Gangsta Grunts and Elvish Elites. The MC killed the Grunts painfully.

"We must travel to Mordor and cast the one Ring into MT. Doom!" said the Elite.

"Not today" said MC, ripping the Elites head off.

The MC killed the Elvish Elites under the Armoury. MC heard Guns shout:

"Get away from me crack, ya bitches!" he squealed. Literately. Guns was shot dead by two Elites. The Elites started to smoke the crack and speak in Elvish.

"CRAAACK!" yelled the MC, running up the stairs and ripping the Elites heads off.

"That was fun!" said the MC, psychotically.

The rest of the journey to the spiky bomb was uneventful, apart from a few Elvish Elites attempted to get the MC to take the one Ring to MT. Doom and Gangsta Grunts trying to sell drugs to the MC.

Eventually, the MC reached the spiky bomb. Cortana stopped the annoying whining noise the bomb was making by feeding it some dog food.

"Nice hairdo" admired the Chief

"Thanks!" said the bomb. The MC went into a coma from the shock of the bomb talking to him and started to dribble. Eventually, he awoke.

"Your dribbling again" said Cortana

"**Dammit! **I hate it when you tell everyone my secret shame!"

"It's a bit to late for that, I've posted images and even footage of you dribbling on several popular websites. Congratulations! Over 10 million hits so far!" said Cortana

In his rage, MC took the bomb to the lift.

"I know what your doing and I think its crazy" Cortana said to the Chief

"Fuck you!" said MC

"Lucky for us, I like crazy" said Cortana

MC stared at an unanimous carbon rod in shock.

"I'm never talking to you again" replied MC

The MC dragged the bomb to the Hanger. He pressed some buttons and the bomb and the MC flew out.

"**Weeeee!**" screamed the MC

The MC went into a Covenant ships reactor via a convenient hole that had a huge neon sign saying 'shoot here!', which was ignored by the Human fleet. The MC armed the bomb and flew out. The ship exploded.

Onboard the Cairo Station…

Hood watched the Covenant ship explode in a huge blue plasma explosion.

"Ooooh pretty!" he said

In outer space…

The MC hit the _Scantilyclad_ with a noise that is produced when an objects hits another object. Yeah. I'm smart!

"For a brick, he flew pretty good… although I have never seen a brick fly, so I don't know if he… oh no, now I'm impotent" stated Johnson.

"Chief, get in! we're taking this fight to the surface and stop Johnson touching me" said Keyes.

The _Scantilyclad_ swooped down to Earth like a bird.

**Disclaimer: how you like that? Sorry the jokes got a little boring at the end! Not much material. Please can you make suggestions in your reviews!**


	3. New Mombassa Parody

**Disclaimer: 4 reviews? 4 reviews? That's all? Come on! Review! **

**Onasi: thanks. Looking at what stories you've written, I would have thought that you didn't like HALO.**

**Yomiko the Hellbuny slayer: yes, the _Scantilyclad, _how many parties have I been to there, I mean, yes, it is original (eyes move shiftily from side to side).**

**New Mombassa Parody**

The _Scantiylclad_ hung in the sky, looking more scantily clad than ever. Three Pelicans flew pass with a big 'swoosh!'. The Pelicans fly over the city Mombassa.

"The message just repeats- Regret. Regret. Regret."

"What sort of message is that?" asked Keyes

"Dear humanity, we regret being aliens who likes the colours pink and purple, we regret buying Danish made furniture, and we most definitely regret seeing Sergeant Avery Johnson in women's underwear!" said Johnson

"Sick!" said one Pilot. Johnson turns to the marines and Chief.

"Get sexy, Marines!". The Marines stroke their guns, looking sexy. MC stares at them all, disturbed.

"I know!" said Keyes "It's a text message!"

"No it's not!" said Cortana

"Is!"

"Isn't!"

"Is!"

"Isn't!"

"Is!"

Thankfully, it is at this point that the Pilot interrupts this bitch fight with an important announcement

"What?" said the Pilot "What announcement?"

"The thing about the drop zone" said the Author

"?"

"Have you read the script?"

"There's a script?" asked the confused Pilot.

Author hands the Pilot a script.

"I am getting married to my Co-Pilot next week" read the Pilot

"Ahhh, sweet!" everyone else in the Pelican says

"I'm a man!" exclaims the Co-Pilot

"Ahhh, sweet!" everyone else in the Pelican repeats

"Wrong script!" yells Author. Author hands the Pilot the right script.

"Drop zone in five" read the Pilot

"Amateur!" muttered Cortana

"Whoa! A giant crab- tortoise hybrid thingy!" admired the Pilot, as the Scarab came into view.

"PREEETTTY!" agreed the Co-Pilot.

"It's a Scarab" pointed out Cortana.

"I knew that!" said the Pilot, unconvincingly.

The giant crab- tortoise hybrid thingy or aka the Scarab fired a giant laser beam at the Pelicans. Two of the Pelicans exploded.

"**Dammit!" **Yelled Johnson "Those Pelicans had all the Caviar, Tofu** and Vaigra**!"

"You take Vaigra?" asked Cortana

"Nooooo" Said Johnson, his eyes moving shiftily from side to side.

The Pelican crashed upside down and everything goes black.

As his eyes focus, the MC notices that he was in a pool of saliva.

"How long have I been out for?" asked MC

"Approximately 2 hours, 43 minutes and 27 seconds. And all captured on film!" replied Cortana. All the Marines were staring at MC.

"Shinnny!" said one of the Marines and all the other Marines nodded slowly in agreement.

"Why are you all staring at me?" asked MC

"Well you know what happens to Marines, Chief, whenever they see something shiny, it zones them out" answered Johnson.

"Oookkkkaaayyy" said the MC running to the nearest exit. The MC ran straight into a Gangsta Grunt. Upon seeing the Green clad Warrior, the Grunt aimed a pimped out Plasma Pistol at the Chief. Before the Grunt could fire, the MC ripped the gun from the Grunt's grasp and beat the Grunt to death with it.

The MC, followed by Johnson and the Marines, ran into a wrecked out building, killed everything in sight and ate marshmallows. Then the Covenant started assaulting the Humans position.

Soon, when all enemy forces were wiped out, a suped up Pelican, sporting Turbo and Super Chargers, NOS (used to give cars a boost) and even had 5 cup holders. The Pilot spoke through the transceiver to MC and co.

"Yo, what's up me homies, I is going to a race meet. Wanna come?"

"Hmmm, must be some sort of Alien language. I'll see if I can translate it" said Cortana.

Before Cortana could begin translating, though, MC spoke up.

"Hey homie! We is like, killing some bad guys, and we can't come with you. Can you, like, gives us a lift?"

"Sure, homie, I'll give u a lift. I'll land someplace else, so's as to not scratch me ships paint job" replied the Pilot, and the Pelican accelerated off, engines roaring.

Suddenly, the doors that the Hunters come through started to vibrate erratically.

"Stupid glitch!" Complained Cortana

The doors swung open and the Tweenies stepped through.

"Tweenies!" Yelled Cortana

"Panic!" Added Johnson. The Marines started running around like chicken shits. MC sighed heavily and shot the Tweenies dead with the 50 cal. everyone stopped panicking and stared at the MC.

"What?" asked the MC

"You killed the Tweenies!" said Cortana

"Our savoir! Hail the Master Chief!" yelled Johnson

All the Marines and Johnson started to yell 'Hail'. MC sighed loudly and ran through the now open doors, followed by the Marines and Johnson. MC and Co ran around the corner. Five Jerkalopes stood waiting for their inevitable deaths, which the MC and Co were happy to oblige.

A Pelican dropship flew down and hovered over some random pile of rocks, concrete and some used condom's (I've been busy. joking).

"Oh look, there's that guy again" said Cortana

"Yo, homie, r u givin' us a lift?" asked MC

"Sorry Chief, I'm not that guy you met before. He went away and stole 50 ships in 72 hours on order to save his bro" said the Pilot.

"Wow" said Johnson "It's like that movie I saw"

"What movie?" asked MC

"You know, the movie where a guy has to save his bro by stealing 50 cars in 72 hours"

"What? Like to fast to furious?" asked MC

"No, that was another car movie"

"Coool" said MC

Everyone was staring at MC and Johnson.

"What?" said Johnson

"Just get in the Pelican" ordered Keyes over the radio

"Yes ma'am!" yelled Johnson. As he neared the Pelican, Johnson slipped on a used condom. "What the Fuck?" yelled Johnson.

"Innocent!" chimed the Author. Johnson glares at Author.

"Don't glare at me like that! FOR I AM YOUR GOD! Aaargh my eye!" yelled the Author, The condom hitting the Author in the eye. Johnson boards the Pelican, smirking and the Pelican takes off.

"You don't see that everyday" said Cortana. The MC and Marines nod in agreement. Eventually the MC and co rounded yet ANOTHER corner, into a group of Drones.

"Caffeine caffeine caffeine caffeine!" chorused the Drones. The Drones see a coffee shop and fly into it, sending coffee everywhere. MC was the only one left with enough sense left to prime and throw a Grenade into the shop, the Marines having taken to staring stupidly at random, shiny objects.

Eventually, though, the MC arrived at the bridge, and due to poor programming, the Marines that were with MC disappeared.

**Disclaimer: yes, I know, at the end I did skip a lot of the mission, but it got tedious and I couldn't think of anything funny to put. Plz read and review, as you do (hey that rhymes!). Also, next chapter for HALO: Separate Events is up now. **


	4. The Armbiter

**Disclaimer: Next Chap up! Hope you enjoy!**

**The Armbiter**

The Armbiters eyes re-focus and he sees Tartarsauces ass move provotically in front of him. Either side of him, two Brutes are carrying him. Cells can be seen on either side of the group, with Covenant being held against their will inside them.

"Am I still at that party?" muttered the Armbiter.

"How much further must we heft this baggage?" complained Brute No. 1.

"My belly aches and his flesh is seared just the way a like it!" said Brute No. 2.

"Quiet! You sound like Grunts fresh of the BIG TEATY!" said Tartarsauce.

The Brutes enter the Armbiters burial place and Truth and Mercy are waiting for them.

"Holy Hierarchs, we have brought the Impotent one" said Tartarsauce.

"Very well, Tartarsauce, you may go and j—k yourself off now" said Truth.

"But!" said Tartarsauce, looking at Truth incredulously. After a few seconds Tartarsauce mutters; "Release the prisoner"

The Brutes release the Armbiter. Tartarsauce gets out a Brute nude magazine and leaves. The other Brutes do the same.

"Lets make this quick, we want you to be the next Armbiter, and you will do great tasks for us such as, mow the lawn, do the shopping and (shudders)… take out the rubbish. You will die like all the other Armbiters have done so before, so, ha. We know you did not blow up the GAINT SACRED RUBBER RING, but we're blaming you anyways. This is the true face of heresy (Truth taps a button and a figure appears there. The figure begins to talk, but then Truth switches it off) yeh yeh, we've heard it all before" said Truth.

"I haven't heard it before" protested the Armbiter.

"Suckers be to you!" said Truth "Anyways, we want you to go and pwn him for us"

"Because he is a Heretic?" asked the Armbiter.

"No, cause he put a pin on Mercy's chair" replied Truth.

"My ass still hurts!" complained Mercy, rubbing his ass.

"Eggs salad!" said Truth. Both the Armbiter and Mercy look at Truth.

"What?" asked the Truth.

"Did you just say 'Eggs salad'?" asked the Armbiter.

"Yes"

"Why?" asked Mercy.

"Cos' 'Eggs Salad' sounds like 'Exactly'" explained Truth.

"Riiight" said Mercy and the Armbiter, unbelievably. Then a big pod thing comes down and dramatic music plays.

"Stupid Hi Fi system!" complained Mercy, taking out a control and changing the CD in a nearby Hi Fi system. 'One Love' by Reggae starts playing.

"Oh yeah that's good" said Mercy.

The pod stops in front of the Armbiter, and the Reggae music stops playing. The pod opens and shiny Elite Armour can be seen. The Arbiter puts the helmet on.

"Ooooh, pppppaaaaadddddiiiiinnnnnggggg! I mean, what would you have you Armbiter do?" asked the Armbiter.

"I just told you, idiot!" said Truth.

"I wasn't listening" explained the Armbiter. Then the scene changes.

* * *

We see the Covenant Holy City, **Getting High**, with lots of shiny ships orbiting it. Then three Phantoms appear on screen and head towards the broken, burning form of Halo.

"When we first joined the Covenant, we swore an oath" said an Ultra Elite.

"All to his station, all without exception" chanted the Elites of various ranks.

A Grunt puts his nose to another Grunts Weed tank and releases some Weed from it, with a big hiss. The Grunt sniffs the Weed and mutters;

"Sweeeeet!"

"Did you just sniff some of my Weed?" accused Grunt No. 2

"Yes" replied Grunt No. 1.

"Well how would you feel if I did that to you? I mean…

(Interrupting) "D00d! I'm like, trying to make a dramatic speech here, dammit!" complained the Ultra Elite.

"Okay, no need to squeal!" said the Grunt No. 2.

"Respect ma authoritaaaaah!" yelled the Ultra Elite.

"Yes your stupidness" said the Grunt No. 2

"That's it! I'll kick you in the nuuuuuts!" yelled the Ultra Elite, kicking the Grunt in the Joy department. The Phantoms passes what looks like an abandoned space station.

"Anywho, that armour suites you" said the Ultra Elite.

"Thanks, Truth gave it to me" thanked the Armbiter

"But it cannot hide that mark" said the Ultra Elite

"Nothing ever will, apart from Plastic Surgery" said the Armbiter

"Yes, I should have Plastic Surgery to, cos' I lost my Mandibles. Anyways, you are the Armbiter, the Hierarchs sex slave, but these are my Bitches, they're lives matter to me, cos' they're cute. You are not!"

"That makes two of us" countered the Armbiter.

"YOU CALLING ME UGLY? THAT'S IT! I'LL KICK YOU IN THE NUUUUTS!" yelled the Ultra Elite, attempting to kick the Armbiter in the nuts, but missing.

Then the Phantoms approach the structure that, for some stupid idiotic reason, is hanging from the main structure on a large metal rope thing.

"Leader, there is no doubt, the BIGASS storm will shit on the facility" warned Tartarsauce.

"Don't worry, we'll have run away like chicken shits long before the storm hits. No need to get our new, shiny armour covered in shit" replied the Ultra Elite.

The Phantoms hover over the structure, and deploy their troops.

"Armbiter! Use your sword to carve the Heretics into round, edible pieces, so that we can have Heretic Hamburgers tonight" said the Ultra Elite.

"Heretic Hamburgers! My faaavourite!" said the Armbiter. The Armbiter looks at the Phantom. "You're not coming with us?"

"Nope, I staying right here cos' it's safe" said the Ultra Elite.

"N000b!" said the Armbiter.

"I heard that! I'LL KICK YOU IN THE NUUUUUTS!" yelled the Ultra Elite. The Phantoms fly away.

"He he" mutters the Armbiter, walking over to the rest of the squad. An Elite is busy at a computer console.

"Dammit! Stupid Windows XP!… No, I don't want the Internet!... No I don't want to see nude pictures (a pic of a nude female Elite appears on screen) okay… maybe I do…"

Eventually, the Elite opens the door and the Covenant enters the structure. The Armbiter and his allies fight through the level, pwning Heretics as they go. The Armbiter and Co. enter a room and the Heretic Leader appears behind an IMPENETRABLE WINDOW.

"An Armbiter! I'm so privileged!" said the Heretic. The Heretic jumps into a Banshee and flies away.

"I'll leave you to die here while I go kill the Heretic" said the Armbiter to the Covenant.

"Oh thanks" said one Elite, sarcastically.

The Armbiter gets into a Banshee and flies after the Heretic Leader.

* * *

Eventually, the Arbiter comes face to face with the Heretic Leader.

"Who has taught you these lies?" asked the Armbiter. The singsong humming of 343 Guilty Spark can be heard and 343 Guilty Spark appears.

"Omig3d, the Oracle from the Matrix!" exclaimed the Armbiter.

"No, it's 343 Guilty Spark, and he will answer your questions about the Prophets and the Great Journey" said the Heretic Leader.

"MORE QUESTIONS! YAY!" yelled 343 Guilty Spark, frothing at the mouth. Then the Heretic Leader fires at the Armbiter. The Armbiter retreats behind a box thing.

"That stung!" complained the Armbiter. The Heretic Leader drops two Holographic Balls and two Heretic Leaders appear. The Armbiter kills the Heretic Leader and his Holographic Clones. Then a Phantom appears and Tartarsauce steps out. Tartarsuace then grabs 343 Guilty Spark using his big rod thing.

"That's the Oracle" said the Armbiter.

"It is?" asked Tartarsuace. Tartarsuace looks at 343 Guilty Spark. "Damn, I thought it was Ben Affleck! He's such a crappy actor! I'd love to shove this pole up his ass! (Tartarsauce makes 'shoving poles up peoples asses' gesture with his pole) anyways, were outta here, cos' the storm is gonna shit on this places" said Tartarsauce.

The Armbiter and Tartarsauce leaves.

**Disclaimer: what you think? Good? Review! REVIEW!**


	5. Da Supa Lasar Cannon

**Disclaimer: Hi people! A new chapter for you! This may be the last chapter I write for a while, cos' I'm very busy! I have decided to skip the Metropolis level, cos' there's no Parody in it. Now I don't want you thinking that I like Brittany Spears. I don't. Her singings terrible and she's ugly.**

**DA SUPA LASAR CANNON**

The _Scantilyclad _appeared in space, behind a BIGASS Covenant Warship, that completely ignores their existence.

"How the F­—k did we get here?" exclaimed Miranda Keyes.

"Plot Convenience" explained Author.

"Our Engines are freezing, Weapons dead and we are travelling exactly 0.02 KPH above the speed limit. We're screwed" reported Tech 1.

"Ah great, the Galactic Cops are gonna give me a speeding ticket" complained Keyes.

* * *

In space, a lone spaceship glides along in some random direction. Inside a man dressed in a Police Uniform sits staring at a screen. 

"Hee hee! Finally! A Victim, I mean, a lawbreaker!" said the man. The man grabbed a Police light thing and placed it on top of his ship. (Don't ask how, Dammit!) The man brought his hand back into the ship, only to find that it had turned to ice.

"Ah, balls" said the man. Then an Asteroid collided with the ship, vaporising it.

* * *

Meanwhile… 

"Ma'am, I'll re-heat the Engines, plug in the electric plug for the Weapons, and cellotape the furry dice back together" explained Tech. 2.

"Do it, and find out where we are" ordered Keyes. Then Keyes noticed HALO

"WHAT IS THAT? A GAINT BAGEL?"

"No, it's a 'SUPA LASAR CANNON'!" Cortana exclaimed.

"Or it could be another Halo" said MC.

"I thought Halo was some sort of super weapon?" asked Keyes.

"It is. If activated, everyone in the Galaxy will be screwed" explained Cortana.

"I need to know everything about Halo, I don't care if I have clearance or not" ordered Keyes.

"Sure thing dude" said Cortana, speaking in a surfer dude accent for no apparent reason.

"Chief, you and a few OSDT's will make a hard drop, Johnny-Vegas (Johnson), take two Pelicans and follow the MC.

"Alright, POWER RANGERS, GO!" yelled MC.

"Eeer sir? I think you have the wrong Genre" said an OSDT.

"Oh" said MC. The Drop Pods deployed and fell towards Halo

* * *

The Drop Pods fell through Halo's atmosphere towards an ever so convenient Covenant held position. A sign had been erected outside the Covenant base, which read, 'NO HUMANZZ, ESPECIALLY NO SOLICITORS!' 

A Grunt sat next to a Plasma Cannon, making Daisy Chains and generally being happy. Then a Jerkalope gestured at the Grunt to look in the sky and the Grunt did so. Several fiery objects could be seen falling from the sky. The Grunt ran to the Plasma Cannon and tried to get on.

"Must…get…on…Plasma…Cannon" muttered the Grunt. The Grunt mounted the Cannon, and fired at the Drop pods, missing every one of them. MC's pod landed and MC stepped out with a BIGASS Rocket Launcher, looking like Rambo.

"Could we possibly make any more noise?" queried Cortana.

"Gee, how can we not make any noise if we've just travelled at several thousand miles an hour, ON FIRE, andslam with the ground at a high velocity?" said MC.

"I hate it when you out think me" complained Cortana.

The MC moved up the cliff, OWN3D the entire Covenant force stationed there and secured the structure. Then Johnny-Vegas came down in a Pelican and dropped off a Warthog. The MC and surviving OSDT's got into the Warthog and sped up into the hills.

"Dear Sarge, killing Aliens in outer space, wish you were here, cos' I don't wanna be here" said a OSDT.

"N00000B!" said Johnny-Vegas.

The MC and Co continued through the level until they reached the BIGASS structure in the BIGASS lake. The MC entered the BIGASS structure and came across a Holographic Regret speaking gibberish.

"That's what I thought he said" commented Cortana.

"What?" asked MC.

"Regret is planning to activate Halo!" said Cortana. MC looked at Regret. Regret was wearing clothes that singers wear, had makeup on, and was currently singing 'oh baby, baby' by Brittany Spears.

"Look, I don't speak freaky-deacky-Brittany-Spears!" explained MC. Cortana clicked her fingers and Regret started to speak in English.

"Oh baby baby, I did it again, I glassed your Planet and stole your Weed, Oh…

"Hang on a minute" said Cortana, rewinding the Hologram. Regret appeared on the Hologram.

"I will activate the SACRED RUBBER RING and burn a path into the shiny behind, I mean, beyond" said Regret.

"Pretty much" said Cortana.

"MC to Keyes"

"Keyes to MC; report"

"We're screwed"

"That's nice to hear. Anything else?"

"Can I have your credit Card numbers?"

"No"

"Damn, worth a try"

"Anyways, you have to go a PWN Regret, his singings terrible" said Keyes. In the background, Regret can be heard singing 'Toxic'. MC cocked his Shotgun.

"No Prophet fool is gonna piss me of with crappy singing. I'm gonna cap dat foo'" said MC. MC moved off to find Regret.

* * *

Regret was dancing in front of a camera, that had a Live feed going across the ENTIRE Covenant Battlenet. Regret was busy singing 'Toxic'. 

"Baby, can't you see? I'm killing you slowly, glassing your planets and smoking your Weed…"

Then MC entered, and Regret got upset.

"Eeek! The Demon is here!" squealed Regret. Regret looked at his Troops. The Grunts were staring mindlessly at Regret, the Jerkalopes were rocking back and forth, muttering 'make.it.stop.make.it.stop!'. The Elites were wondering if they could get their Unions to get them more Holidays and less fatal toilets.

"EEK! THE DEMON IS HERE!" repeated Regret, loudly. The Covenant finally responded, but it was to late. The MC ran up to Regret and stuffed Regrets microphone up Regrets ass, effectively killing him. The MC then threw a Grenade at the Covenant Troops, and exited the structure. A Blue Elite looked at the Grenade.

"That sux's" he said, before the Grenade went off.

MC stood staring at the BIGASS ship.

"MUST. JUMP. INTO. WATER!" yelled MC, running towards the edge of the Temple. The Covenant ship fired a BIGASS laser at the Temple. MC jumped and landed in the water.

* * *

MC's stationary body drifted down into the murky water. Two Tentacles came up and grabbed MC. As the Tentacles dragged the MC deeper, a deep voice could be heard; 

"_This is not your grave, so you have to pay rent!"_

**Disclaimer: What do you think? Hope you liked it. Review!**


	6. Armbiter and the Sacred Icon

**Disclaimer: What?**

**Oh yeah**

**I haven't done anymore writing for a while due to;**

**Exams (Nooo, don't mention the cursed word!)**

**When I first started writing, I was racing against my friend. I won by about 35000 words. I had a lot of 'drive', which got me writing. Sadly, though, this 'drive' disappeared and so I could not be bothered to write.**

**I will now, try to write some more, although it will take a while.**

**Arbiter and the Sacred Icon**

(Arthur and the Holy Grail rip-off)

The Armbiter, being bored, was 'called' to see the Prophets on some 'sacred errand'. As a matter of fact, the Armbiter was at the end of a corridor that led to the Prophets sanctum place. As the Armbiter walked to the ridiculously huge doors, he could see that the Brutes were stealing the Honour Guards ridiculously small staffs that looked as if they were meant to poke their enemies to death.

The Armbiter passed a pair of Brutes fighting over a Honour Guards head piece, even though there were plenty of the hats on the floor. The Brutes were busy bitch slapping each other. When the Arbiter neared them, the Brutes stopped in mid-slap and stared at the Armbiter.

The Armbiter stared back

Again, the Brutes stared back

And well, you should get the picture.

Anyways five minutes passed, then ten and finally 16:27 minutes/seconds later, the Armbiter continued on his journey. The Brutes resumed. The Armbiter passed two Elites and entered the sanctum. There he saw the Ultra Elite from before, speaking with the Prophets.

"This is outrageous, messed up, totally… gay" the Ultra Elite complained.

"Now, Lippy, er I mean Ultra Elite Guy, a Prophet has been 0wn3d by the totally EVIL Demon. So, we have to get rid, I mean 'change' the guards, cos' you Elites are crap"

"What are you insinuating?" Ultra Elite Guy, or UEG, asked angrily.

"Insunu..? insanu…?…eh?" spluttered Truth.

"There's nothing in the dictionary" said Mercy, flicking through a dictionary.

UEG sighed.

"What are you implying?" repeated UEG.

"Implu…? Impla…?…eh?" repeated Truth

"Nope, can't find it" repeated Mercy, throwing the dictionary down, and throwing a Plasma Grenade at it.

"Look, why don't I just walk away with my two n00b Elites and talk to the Council" Explained UEG.

"I'm cool with that" said Truth.

"Burn BURN! Meheheheh!" yelled Mercy.

UEG and his posse walk away. As UEG walked passed the Arbiter, a nerve in his neck made UEG nod his head spastically. The Armiter, thinking this was some sort of Honour thing, copy'd UEG's gesture. The next day, all the Elites were spastically nodding at each other and there was even a bank holiday made in its honour. The Grunts tried to join in, but they snapped their necks.

The Armbiter walked up to the Prophets.

"Armbiter, when the Demon destroyed the Sacred Ring, Mercy and I were so upset, we went through a whole box of tissues..

"…King size…" interjected Mercy.

"…Yes, king size" finished Truth.

"Are you going to blame me again for that? I told you, I was on the toilet when the Sacred Ring blew up! I had terrible diarrhoea" complained the Armbiter.

(Ignoring Armbiter's outburst) "After carefully concentrating at the Covenant Galaxy Map, Mercy and I found another Sacred Ring just off the M90, next to the 'daily diner'" (not actual diner, made up)

"I hear they do great Cheeseburgers there" commented the Armbiter.

"Amen to that!" exclaimed Mercy.

"For long we have searched for an 'Oracle'" said Truth.

"Like the one from the Matrix?" asked the Armbiter.

"No, she went on about 'The Machines' and candy" explained Mercy.

"Nay, with your help we found an Oracle that wasn't obsessed with candy, and here he is" said Truth, and 343Guilty Spark appeared.

"With considerable torture- er 'interrogation', we learnt of the 'Sacred Icon', but not of its location. How do we find it?" pondered Truth.

"Have you tried behind the Covenants Holy Fridge?" asked the Armbiter, looking at the Holy Covenant Fridge. Truth followed his gaze.

"Yeh, it wasn't there, though Mercy found a 1 pound/dollar/yen/euro" said Truth. "Anyway, you must find it, cos' I and Mercy are tired from our nap"

We fade out and then back in and see a Phantom flying towards Halo. In the background, the 'daily diner' can be seen. Onboard, the Armbiter and Tartarsuace are discussing stuff.

"Who killed Regret?" asked the Armbiter. Tartarsuace sighed. The Armbiter had asked that 50 times already. Tartarsuace looked at a Jackal that had counted how many times the Armbiter asked the question.

"How many now?"

"Erm, 5476 times"

Tartarsauce banged his head against the wall. Over the intercom he said;

"What do you think?"

"Frodo Baggins? Neo? Godzilla? Thomas the Tank Engine?" queried the Armbiter.

"No, you stupid piece of s(static)t! The Demon!"

"Where?" squealed the Armbiter, looking around.

"No, you monkey f(cow moos)ker! The Demon killed Regret!"

"Oh" said Armbiter "Err, who is Regret?"

Tartarsauce's head banging against the wall can be heard as well as the Jackal informing Tartarsauce that it was now the 5477th time that the Armbiter asked him who Regret was.

The Phantom descends onto a platform and the Armbiter falls out.

"GET THE F(beep noise)K OUT!" yelled Tartarsauce

"I have just one question!" yelled the Armbiter.

"WHAT?" yelled Tartarsauce

"Why am I here?"

"AAAGRGH!" yelled Tartarsauce. The Jackal can be heard informing Tartarsauce that it was now the 5382nd time that the Armbiter had asked why he was there.

The Phantom flew away.

The Armbiter stared blankly into space. Then an Enforcer hovered up over the platform.

"Hello, I am an Enforcer, I want to be your friend!" said the Enforcer.

"Nooooo!" yelled the Armbiter. Then the Phantom crashed into the Enforcer.

"That was lucky!" said the Armbiter.

"That's more than lucky!" said the annoying guy from that annoying insurance advert. (You have to live in Britain to appreciate that joke).

The Armbiter kicked the guy off the platform and went straight into hallucinogenic fit, and drooled.

**Disclaimer: Well, that was good. review. it will take a while to write more. see you then!**


	7. The Armbiter and the Sacred Icon Part II

**Disclaimer: Two more reviews so far! Yay!**

**Armbiter and the Sacred Icon**

**Part II **

The Armbiter stared off into space and drooled as the cinematic blocks appeared at the top and bottom of the screen. The words 'Uncomfortable Silence' appeared in the bottom box. The blocks disappeared.

"Wow, that was freeaakkkyy" drooled the Armbiter, licking up the drool.

The Armbiter turned around and consulted his armoury.

One Covenant Carbine. Nice.

One crappy Plasma Pistol. Not Nice.

"WTF? The Plasma Pistol is like, sooo s(random noise)t! It has no tracking anymore and its rate of fire is s(another random noise)t! The Plasma Pistol in Halo was so much better, it like, had brilliant tracking AND felt powerful! This new Plasma Pistol is crap!" angrily protested the Armbiter. A few seconds of amazement ensued.

"Whoa, I just said some really technical things without going cross-eyed!" said the Armbiter. This is true. What is also true is that the PP (Plasma Pistol) in Halo 2 sux's. Its true. I think Bungie should bring back the old PP.

Anyways, the Armbiter a SUPA LASAR CANNON! (Sentinel Beam) on the floor. After discarding the PP and grabbing the SUPA LASAR CANNON, the Armbiter jumped up to a ledge and found Jar-Jar Binks. Or at least, a Grunt that thought it was JJB.

"MESA JAR JAR BINKS GRUNT!" said the JJB Grunt.

"Err, okay, you know, why don't you stay here and guard this place and get killed?"

"OH MOE MOE, MESA CANNOT DO DAT, MESA PROGRAMMED TO FOLLOW YOU!"

"Oh great, I'm on a ancient Forerunner installation, possibly surrounded by enemies, with a Grunt that thinks its Jar Jar Binks" explained the Armbiter.

"MESA HAPPY!" stated the Grunt.

"So, how do we activate this piston thing?" pondered the Armbiter, looking at the piston. The Armbiter fired at the glowy symbol thing. Nothing.

"MESA DOES THIS!" yelled the Grunt. The Grunt disappeared in a white flash and re-appeared dressed as an anime black/white/green/turquoise/yellow/purple mage

"BY THE POWER CRYSTAL ECKYPOOPARHNARDARDOOOO! I OPEN THEE PISTON!" intoned the Grunt. Nothing happened. 10 seconds later, still nothing. Then a little Forerunner robot came and opened the piston.

"SEE! MESA OPEN PISTON! MESA POWERFUL!" bellowed the Grunt. The Armbiter jumped down the hole, the Grunt followed. At the bottom, the Armbiter and company went through another piston, ran through a passageway and down another piston. Finally, the duo ran into a big room. A Gangsta Grunt and two Jerkalope's ran up to the duo.

"How u dion' Arby?" yelled the GG (Gangsta Grunt)

"hfjnhvhfuhvgf?" yelled a Jerkalope

"Meh?" said the Armbiter. Then two Sentinels flew in.

"We want to be your friends!" they yelled before firing at the assembled group.

"If you want to be our friends, why are you firing at us?" asked the Armbiter.

"We don't know!" was the reply. The Sentinels exploded and the group continued forth on their epic quest. As the Armbiter ran along a walkway, Tartarsauce's voice came onto the intercom.

"You have mail" said his high pitched voice.

"Really?"

"No" was the reply "but you've reached the Shield's Power grid. Many of my Brutes were 0wn3d trying to take it. Lets if you fare better, although I hope you get 0wn3d, that way I won't have to pay for a psychiatrist any more" said Tartarsauce.

"I have just one question"

"What?"

"What's a Shield Power grid?£ asked the Armbiter. Tartarsauce's head banging against a wall can be heard.

"SHUT UP! (bang) SHUT UP! (bang) SHUT UP!"

The intercom switched off and the Armbiter ran onwards and entered another bigass room. Two more Sentinels were there.

"Look! Friends!" yelled one.

"Will you be our friends? I love you!" said the other. Both fired at the group. One of the Sentinels was destroyed in a fiery ball of twisted metal.

"You killed him! That's not nice!" complained the last Sentinel, diving at the Armbiter. The Armbiter knocked the Sentinel onto the floor.

"Would you like me to sing you a song, john?" asked the Sentinel

"No, and my name is Armbiter"

"Would you?"

"No"

"_D-a-i-s-y ,D-a-i-s-y,-g-i-v-e-m-e-y-o-u-r-a-n-s-w-e-r-d-o-…"_ sang the Sentinel before the Armbiter stamped on it.

"HE MELTED!" yelled JJB Grunt.

"NO HE DID NOT! I STAMPED ON HIM!" yelled the Armbiter, running forth. After passing through more passageways and pistons, the Armbiter reached the Power place.

"Stay in the shadows, wait until it loses interest. Then strike the beast its back is turned" said Tartarsauce.

"yay! More friends!" yelled the Enforcer, firing rockets at the Armbiter and co.

"Err, no" said the Armbiter, running onto the platform and 0wning the Enforcer.

The rest of the Armbiter's allies thankfully, I mean 'sadly', yes that's it, lay dead.

"OH THANK GOD, THE INTERNET AND THE XBOX THAT THEIR DEAD!" yelled the Armbiter, the button marked 'LOWERZ DERZ CoNtANEMENTZ Sheildszz,

The platform moved forward, and the Armbiter went high. The cinematic blocks come down and the words 'Buyers Remorse' appears. The a Phantom drops down.

"I'm not talking to you!" said Tartarsauce

"You're talking to me now" said the Armbiter.

"YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE!" yelled Tartarsauce, flying away. The platform entered a bigass room with an Enforcer, Sentinels and the Super Ninja Kungfo Fighting 1337ness Space Zombies aka The Flood

"Look! Another friend!" yelled the Enforcer.

"Yay!" yelled the Sentinels.

"Lol its da Armpitguy!" yelled a Combat Form

"Lol, he is a n00b!" said another.

"I am not!" protested the Armbiter.

"R TO!"

"R NOT!"

"R TO!"

"R NOT"!

"R TWO D TWO!"

"Yes?" asked R two de two "you called?"

"Go away, U n00b!"

"Okay!" said R two d two, falling off a cliff.

"I R NO N00B! AND I DON'T WANNA BE UR FRIEND!" bellowed the Armpitguy, I mean Armbiter, taking out a mini-gun and 0wning the Flood and Forerunners.

The Armpitguy ran through a door and met more Flood.

"N0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000B!" yelled a Flood Combat Form.

"I HAVE LIFE INSURANCE, LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL" yelled another.

The Armbiter 0wned the flood and fell through a hole.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (deep breath) HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (hit ground painfully)"

The Armbiter got up and got high. Again. The cinematic blocks and the words '100,000 Years War' appeared and then disappeared. The Armbiter ran on a met some Elites.

"Look, it's the Armpitguy!" said an Elite n00b

"MY NAME IS ARMBITER!" yelled the Armbiter, killing the Elites and Flood. The Armbiter ran on a found Lippy, I mean, UEG.

"Where are the others? Did the Flood get them?" asked UEG.

"Ermmm, y-e-s… yes, the Flood… got them" replied the Armbiter, suspiciously.

The Armbiter looked at the big doors and bright light engulfed him.

**Disclaimer: this took me a long time, so u better enjoy it! **


	8. Armbiter and the Sacred Icon Part III

**Disclaimer; Meh… **

**Lol**

**Armbiter and the Sacred Icon Part III**

"OOOH!" muttered the Armbiter as the cinematic blocks came down. The words 'Objects in mirrors are larger than they appear' appeared. For a few seconds, the cinematic was all cinematically and then it disappeared.

"The Armbiter! What are you doing here?" yelled UEG.

"What does it look like! Walking the f(noise)ing dog!" yelled the Armbiter in response.

"…What's a dog?" asked Flippy Lippy.

"IT DOESN'T MATTER, err, why are there two missing mandibles on your face?" asked the Armbiter.

"Oh, that's just an old war wound" explained Lippy.

"You mean a shmelting accident?" enquired the Armbiter

"No, an eating accident" said UEG

Flashback 

_Lippy, err, UEG, is sitting in the middle of a battle between the forces of Good and Evil and.. oh wait a minute, wrong battlefield. Right, here we are, UEG is sitting in the middle of a battle between the Covenant and the Humans. In front of him is a table. On this table is a cheesecake with extra cheese. _

_The Lippy takes a bite of said cheesecake and compliments it on its taste;_

"_My my, this cake is just so devine! What do you think of it Wilfred?"_

_UEG looks at an old Elite, sitting in an old armchair._

"_Well, me and a couple of my friends were flying along in Banshees, you see (even though it is impossible to see what he is saying) and we saw some Humans flying along in Pelicans. Anyway, my friend, Walters, suggested that we should shoot them down._

_So, we dived towards them, shouting 'Hip hip horay and 'Tally ho' and other posh English things to say. Anyway there was lots of fun, shooting Pelicans and avoiding return fire and whatnot. We were very, very, drunk" said the old Elite._

"_Woot! What a terribly English story that is, pip! I'm so incredibly English!" said UEG, not realising that he had eaten half his mandibles._

"_AAAAAAGGGGGGRRRRRRHHHHH, MY MANDIBLES! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! (Blood, gore violence, cheesecake, more gore and violence, etc)_

_Flashback ends_

The Armbiter is sitting in a cinema seat eating popcorn.

"And that is how animals reproduce" said UEG.

"OOOH" replied Armbiter, eating more popcorn.

"Err, where did you get that cinema seat and popcorn?"

"Over there" pointed the Armbiter, at an Elite n00b selling cinema seats and popcorn for one dollar/pound/yen/euro/etc.

"One dollar/pound/yen/euro!" offered the Elite n00b.

"Errm, right, mount up Armbiter!" said UEG, confused.

"Oh frisky are we?" flirted the Armbiter.

"The Ghost" said UEG, pointing at the Ghost.

"Oh, yeah,… (to self) damn" muttered the Armbiter. The Armbiter mounted the Ghost and drove towards the doors, colliding with them and being flipped upside down when they opened. More FR (Forerunner Robots) spewed out. The Armbiter flipped over his Ghost, and sped through the now open door.

"Bye bye, Flippy, Nippy, Lippy!" yelled the Armbiter.

The Armbiter exited the tunnel and saw a group of FR and Flood annihilating each other. So, being the brave, bold warrior, the Armbiter waited for the two groups to kill each other off and mop up the survivors. And so, when the Enforcer staggered back on its surviving anti-grav thrusters, the Armbiter bravely shot it dead from behind at long range. Almost immediately, another Enforcer came out of a set of doors.

"Ahhh, noes fairs! U R n00bz!" yelled the Armbiter, speeding past the Enforcer. The Armbiter met some Flood and kept going. The Armbiter passed through a set of doors and came across an unmanned Wraith. UEG's voice came over to the coms.

"Armbiter, I am sending my…"

"FRIENDS!" Interrupted an Enforcer. The Armbiter shot down the Enforcer and desecrated its corpse.

"Armbiter, I am sending my best warriors to assist you" he said.

"Hang on, I thought you were dead?" enquired the Armbiter.

"Yeah, that's right! You left me for dead! U isz like, so melted!" yelled UEG. UEG's Dropship came down and released some Elites. Elites looked around and saw that the Armbiter had fled.

"N0000B!" yelled one, and the others agreed.

"FRIENDS!" yelled the FR.

"N000BZ!" yelled the Flood.

"DIE!" yelled Arby, killing them all. The Armbiter came to an open area, where a Flood Wraith and Scorpion tank were fighting FR, and were, of course, annihilated. The Arbiter crawled out of the cave.

"Be wery wery quiet" said the Armbiter, dressed like Elmer Fudd from Bugs Bunny "the wabbits over there"

The Armbiter stalked slowly across the open area, with the FR staring at him.

"SHOULDZZ WESZ HELPZ OURZ FRIENDZ RE-GAINZ HISZ SAN-I-TY-ZZ?" yelled a particularly stupid FR.

"YOTHNIDE! WESZ SHALLZ!" said another.

"Beep, beep, blurp, lol, nurble-wurble,twit-twoo!" added R2 D2.

"What's that R2 D2? We must find Obi-wan Kenobi?" translated C-3PO

"I THINK YR IN THE WRONG UNIVERSE, THIS IS DA H-A-L-O VERSE!" yelled an FR n00b.

"LOL!" added another.

"SHALL WE BE FRIENDS WITH THEM?" said another FR.

"LOL, LETS!" said the others, melting R2 D2 and C-3PO.

A random advertisement 

"Tommy, come here please" said a mother.

"Yes, mom?" said a typical American kid

"You remember when your dad left to save the Star Wars universe from Darth Vader and instead appeared in the HALO universe and was melted by Forerunner Robots?" reminisced the mother, looking at a picture. The picture appears on camera. It is a picture with the mother, Tommy, C-3PO (Dad) and R2 D2 (Kungfu-kicking superhero mega ultra super guy/robot/leaf/gnome sidekick).

"Yes?" annoyingly asked Tommy.

"Well, I brought something to take our minds off of it" said the mother, taking out a cage. In the cage is the rabbit from Monty Python's Holy Grail movie. The rabbit has massive teeth and a collar with the words 'Fluffy' printed on.

"YAY! THANKS MOM! This'll stop me thinking about dad until I can afford my own psychiatrist when I'm older!" yelled Tommy, opening the cage. 'Fluffy' sprang out and mauled the mother and son and desecrated their bodies. The words 'Another boring American life-insurance add' appeared on screen. A mans voice starts speaking.

"Do you have life insurance? If not, why not get insurance from us, we're cheap… blah blah… surfing on lemons… blah blah… eat people… blah blah…(evil voice) BUY OUR INSURANCE!… blah blah…"

Back to reality…

The Armbiter killed the FR and ran on. He entered another room with all those useless pillars and found more zombies, I mean Flood.

"WHO DAT?" asked one Combat Form.

"DUNNO, I BET EE WANTS INSURANCE!" said another.

"No, I already have insurance" replied the Armbiter shooting the Flood and running out of the room.

(Outside)

"WHATS THAT?" asked one Combat Form to another.

"IT'S A TANK" said the other.

"WHAT IT DO?"

"DUNNO"

(Silence)

"WHATS THAT?" (Repeat X10)

The Armbiter enters and jump into the Tank and drives away. The two Flood forms watch it go.

"WHATS THAT?" asked one

"A ROCK" said the other (Repeat X infinity)

Meanwhile…

"Armbiter I am sending more of my people to aid you in the quest the Holy Grail Quest, I mean, the Sacred Icon"

"I HAVE A F(NOISE)ING TANK!" exclaimed the Armbiter.

"So?"

"SOOO, I DON'T NEED NO MORE DUMBASS ELITES! THEY'LL JUST DRIVE OFF THE EDGE AGAIN!"

"YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE!" yelled UEG, flying away.

The Armbiter continued forth and so the quest continued at an excruciatingly slow speed due to the Tank being slow. The Armbiter neared a building and found Wraiths fighting an Enforcer.

"Hmmm, I'll have a picnic" said the Armbiter, setting up a picnic with a swish and a flick from his magic wand…

Flash to…

Massive explosions, mass gore violence and death. A Wraith explodes in a HUGE plasma ball…

Flash to…

"Hmmm, this scone is off" mused the Armbiter…

Flash to…

Another Wraith explodes, and the Enforcer starts taking fire from Flood Combat Forms…

Flash to…

"I say, we are so incredibly English" mused the Armbiter.

"Yes we are" agreed a Combat Form…

Flash to…

The Enforcer destroys the Flood, but a stray rocket hits the Enforcer and the Enforcer explodes. The Armbiter finishes his picnic and drives to the entrance of the structure, and enters. Inside, the Armbiter runs up and suddenly UEG appears nest to the Armbiter.

"How did you get here?" he asked

"Plot Device, Arby, Plot Device"

Sounds of Flood screeching far away can be heard.

"Damn, they found my secret weed stash, I must go" said Lippy, running away with sword in hand.

"Now how to work this?" asked the Armbiter, looking at the control panel. The words 'press this button' can be seen with a big flashing arrow pointing towards a big shiny red button.

"Well, time to get the manual out!"

Tartarsuaces Phantom flies in.

"Just press the red button, Armbiter" said Taratarsauce.

"This one?" asked the Armbiter, pointing at a blue button.

"No, the RED button"

"The green one?"

"The **_RED_** one"

"The Horse shoe?"

"JUST PRESS THE F(NOISE)ING **_!RED!_** BUTTON!" yelled Tartarsauce.

"What are we talking about again?" asked the Armbiter.

The banging of a head against metal can be heard. Tartarsauce jumps out of the Phantom, runs up to the control panel, and presses the red button. The platform thingy starts to move as Tartarsauce jumps back into the Phantom.

"Oh, the RED button, well why didn't you say?"

As the Armbiters platform moves forward, the banging of a head against metal can be heard from the Phantom.

The cinematic blocks appear and the words _'Shooting Gallery' _appear. The Armpitguy dribbles ferociously into a antique vase, obliterating its value. Cut to Tartarsauce.

"There are humans on the other gondola!"

"Fascinating" replied Armpitguy in a monotone voice, with plastic Vulcan ears on.

"What's fascinating?"

"Fascinating"

"WHAT'S FASCINATING!"

"It's life, Jim, but not as we know it"

"WHO'S JIM? WHAT LIFE?"

"Jim, they're dying"

"WHO'S DYING? WHO'S JIM!"

Just then, Elite n00bs appear from nowhere. One of the n00bs walks up to Armpitguy.

"Bleurgh"

"Bleurgh?"

"Bleurgh"

…

"Again: Bleurgh?

Then, to save our sanity, another n00b comes up and points towards The Flood.

"The Food!" said the n00b

"I think you mean The Flood"

"The Food"

"You know, working with retards is not in my contract" explained Armpitguy

"What contract?"

"This one I just made out of rice paper and crayons"

"Nice shade off green" commented Taratarsauce

"Nah, I sneezed on it"

"The Food!"

The gondola passed under some platforms and some Flood, wearing Food boxes, jumped onto the gondola. The Elite n00bs ignored them.

"Why are you dressed in Food boxes?" asked Armpitguy.

"Disguise"

(Looking at the Elite n00bs Bluerghing and Fooding each other) "Figures" said Armpitguy, throwing a Plasma Grenade at the Flood. The Armpitguy turns around and meets pure evil.

"MESA JAR JAR BINKS GRUNT!"

(On knees, facing the Phantom) "Why have you forsaken me? The N00b elites, I could handle, the Flood wearing Food boxes were stretching it, but now you've gone to far!" yelled Armpitguy at the Phantom.

"Umm, I'm Tartarsauce"

"So?"

(tugging at arm) "More Food" said JJBG pointing at an elevator

Five minutes earlier…

Several Flood are waiting for the lift. The lift opens and the Flood enter.

(Staring at buttons) "Does anyone have a manual for this thing?"

"Try the Green one" said a Flood Combat Form, or FCF for short.

The Lift doors close and the lift begins to rise. Boring lift music plays.

"I like this song"

The lift reaches the top and opens to reveal Armpitguy with a Plasma Grenade in hand. Armpitguy throws said Grenade into lift.

"I like that music to!" said a FCF, and explodes.

The gondola reaches its destination and cinematic blocks appear. The words _'That old familiar feeling' _appears and the Armbiter ruins an identical unique vase. The Armbiter runs to an opening and everything goes white.

Miranda stared down the bigass hole. She saw a nearby Tentacle and thought it would be really clever to use it to get to the Sacred Icon. As she picked up the Icon, the Tentacle came loose and she almost fell. But Johnson grabbed hold of the Tentacle.

"You know, your father never asked for help"

"The Index is safe" said Miranda, climbing back up.

"Marines, stop jerking and get over her!"

Silence

"Get ready" said Johnson to Miranda. Miranda upholsters here SMG's looking badass. Johnson moves forward and the Armbiter jumps up a grabs Johnson.

"How're you smelling?" he asks

"Giggle Stop asking me out giggle"

Johnson faints from shock.

"Sergeant, stay down!" yelled Keyes hosing Armpitguy. Armpitguy runs away, and Keyes makes another mistake: looking away from a threat. The Armbiter jumps and slaps Keyes guns from her grasp. Then an energy field knocks her out and she flies towards Tartarsauce, who is holding a big ass Hammer.

"Cool Hammer, where did you get it from?" asked the Armbiter.

"My ass" replied Tartarsauce, sarcastically.

"Cool, can I have one?"

"STOP MESSING WITH MY HEAD!" screamed Tartarsauce, taking the Sacred Icon.

"The Icon is my responsibility!" said the Armbiter guy "See I have the contract here!"

"That's the one you made earlier!"

"Oh…"

"Enough, I am sick of paying psychiatrist bills, so I'm wiping your race out!"

(shock) "That's so evil!"

"Ain't it just?"

**Disclaimer: Next chap will be a while**


End file.
